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Cheesesteak

In the hierarchy of sandwich greatness these come in second, holding steady beneath turkey/stuffing/gravy/cranberry on brown, and just above lox/cream cheese/capers/red onion on a bagel. All three do well on the comfort food scale, but a cheesesteak trumps all when it comes to sheer sin.

Note that none of the following is particularly conducive to vigorous health or low blood pressure (though Hoffman keeps trying to tell me that sodium intake has nothing to do with hypertension compared, say, to an utter dearth of exercise, ahem) but good heavens does it hit the spot for Sunday lunch or movie night. Guaranteed to win over pouty French teenagers every time, but that’s more my problem than yours.

You will need:

• fresh, crusty and rather dense hoagie-style rolls
• some nicely marbled rib-eye steak(s)
• green and red peppers
• red onion
• Cheez Whiz or sliced provolone, or both

A sharp slicing blade is crucial here, so wrap up all your dull battered knives in newspaper and head down to your local wingnut hunting & fishing & ammo shop, where Cletis or Earl or whoever will be happy to grind back a bitter-sharp edge for a nominal fee. Don’t try to sharpen on a whetstone or with a honing steel, because you’ll just make it worse. (Do of course use a steel once your knives are sharp: two or three light strokes every time you’re going to cut.)

As you get going, think in terms of extreme temperatures: very cold meat and very hot metal. Put the steak(s) in the freezer for at least an hour before doing any slicing, otherwise they’ll have too much give and you won’t get proper, consistent thinness. As to the cooking surface, it’s important to have high heat that won’t dissipate when frying. A non-stick pan therefore, no matter how fancy, won’t do the job. You want a nice big cast-iron skillet on the stove, rendered so hot that you’re kind of afraid to stand near it.

Cut off and discard the top and bottom of the peppers, slice through the resulting cylinder once, lay the halves flat skin-side down, and remove the nasty white ribs from the pepper flesh with your knife. Slice into quarter inch thick sticks and put in a bowl.

Peel and trim the onions, cut in half pole-to-pole, lay flat then slice equator-to-centre at quarter inch increments. Toss with the peppers in the bowl with a good pour of vegetable oil and a big pinch of salt and pepper.

Slice the slightly frozen steak against the grain as thinly as possible, strew the meat in a single layer across the cutting board, and sprinkle on about twice as much salt as that with which you’d ordinarily be comfortable.

Put the vegetables into the very, very hot skillet and begin agitating at once, using tongs to dislodge anything that sticks. After 30 seconds or so, alternate agitation with stillness, so the vegetables have a chance to get a little brown. When everything has started to soften, throw in a splash of water (or better yet, strong beef stock), and once this has evaporated, dump everything onto a plate and set aside.

Once more ensure the skillet is unreasonably hot and fry the sliced beef in batches. Distribute in a single layer and do not disturb for at least thirty seconds so some browning can happen, then agitate quickly before scooping everything onto a plate. If the pieces of meat are overcrowded, steam won’t be able to escape and you’ll end up trying to fry in a puddle. Don’t do it. Each batch shouldn’t take more than about 45 seconds. Combine everything back in the pan, check for salt and pepper, and let heat through.

And then, darling one, this is important: you’re going to have to fry the bread. Get another pan medium-hot, slice open the rolls, spread with butter and lay butter-side down until nice and brown and just barely crispy.

Slap in some cheese or cheez, and rather a lot of the good stuff from the pan, roll up tight in tinfoil, pile up on a tray, and deliver to the cheering hordes.